


I miss you

by sporadicPoison



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Feels, Humanstuck, M/M, Sadstuck, ill edit later too lazy right now, implied self harm, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-01-21
Packaged: 2017-11-26 08:54:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/648817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sporadicPoison/pseuds/sporadicPoison
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had been two years since Eridan lost Sollux, having sunk into a deep depression. He's alone. So fucking alone. All that is about to change with just one trollian message.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I miss you

**Author's Note:**

> i dont quite understand colorcoding yet gomen. when i figure it out i'll update this.

There was a drawer full of empty perscription pill bottles. Some of them were labeled 'TAKE ONE TABLET TWICE A DAY' and some were labelled 'TAKE ONE TABLET AS NEEDED'. One was even labelled 'TAKE TWO TABLETS THREE TIMES A DAY WITH MEALS'. In total, there mightve been thirty bottles or so. A new one was joining them today, being of the second variety. He was out of refills. Again. That one had to have lasted him quite a while, at a cost. Another pictureframe had been broken. the photograph inside thankfully unharmed. With shaking hands, he swept up the glass, trying not to think about what kind of damage each shard could do to him. He had to get it all out of here as soon as he could. For safety's sake, he threw out the damaged frame as well, making a point of dragging the half-full garbage bag out to the dumpster. It was freezing out, but he didn't care, even though he was clad in just a thin shirt and pajama pants. While he was out there, he pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pajama pocket, lighting up carefully, sheilding the flame from the brisk wind. He wasn't stupid, he knew how bad it was for him. But sometimes you have to have a vice. It was this, or bleeding into the sink. A lot of people smoked for fun, but Eridan Ampora smoked to die.

It was two years ago to this day that Eridan lost himself. He lost his other half, the only person who was able to keep him grounded. The anniversary killed him, and he took a deep drag of his cigarette. Honestly, he hated this brand, he hated the taste and the smell, but it's what he smoked. If he still smoked, that is. Eridan wondered what he was doing right now, if he was asleep, or at his computer, or out with friends. He wondered what he ate, if his tastes in sodas had changed. Eridan's certainly hadn't. He shivered aginst the cold, almost regretting staying outside to smoke. The heaviness in his torso increased with each drag, and when it was finally down to the filter, Eridan tossed it, quickly bustling back inside of his apartment, relishing in the warmth of his home. He paused to crank the heat up a few more degrees, and made a beeline for the kitchen. There, Eridan made a hot cup of tea, dropping two tablespoons of honey into the cup. He hated honey in his tea. But the sticky sweet substance meant so much to him. So he put it in his tea each time, without hesitation.

It was probably unhealthy, living this way, pining for someone that was no longer in his life. But it didn't stop Eridan from buying a bee shaped air freshener for his car, switching out his usual scarf for a ghastly red and blue one. He remembered that scarf in particular, as he had made it as a gift. But it was left behind, shoved into a box containing old shirts, programming texts, an old laptop that Eridan didn't dare open, and an old pair of red and blue tinted glasses that had been snapped in half. The box was kept in the bottom of Eridan's closet, and he often sat down with it, going through the contents, as if something would change. With the shirts in a pile on the floor, the textbooks opened and the laptop sitting out.. it was almost as if he wasn't so alone anymore. But even his fantasy had to come to an end eventually.

The day seemed to take forever, the minutes dragging by. The walls suffocated him, Eridan had to get out. He donned the old scarf and his favorite jacket, slipping into some jeans and an old pair of purple converse. He'd just go for a walk, thats all. Outside was the same as earlier, chilly, the brisk wind slapping him in the fce. Normally he would have been embarrassed about going out without showering and shaving, ensuring his skin and hair was perfect. But now, the amount he cared was so little. It was as if he was everywhere. Eridan saw him in every pedestrian, in the clouds and in the trees. He saw him in books and in photographs, in the stitching of his clothing. Eridan ended up by the river, murky and brown from years of pollution. He sat down on the docks in that very spot that he had met a certain Sollux Captor, lighting up another cigarette as he sat down. He could remember it like it was yesterday, the way he walked right up to Sollux and told him to quit smoking as it was disturbin' nature. God, he was so fucking stupid back then. Eridan would take back every horrible thing he ever said to Sollux if it meant seeing him at least one more time. He was lost in the water, staring at his reflection as smoke escaped his lips with each exhale. Eridan decided to have a second cigarette, remembering how Sollux would often smoke two in a row instead of just one. It made Eridan sick most of the time, but sometimes.. it made him feel closer to the man he never had. They were never together in a romantic way, honestly. Just roommates. Best friends. Bros. What if Sollux had another best friend? Eridan worried about that daily, the thought of Sollux sitting around with someone else.. a pain erupted in his insides. What if they stayed up all night, playing video games and eating bad takeout? What if they laughed until they cried, insulting each other with meaningless words? What if Sollux loved his best friend like Eridan loved him? It was hard to breathe. Eridan abandoned the half smoked cigarette, letting it fall into the water, disturbing his reflection. Tears were springing to his eyes, threatening to spill over. He couldn't breathe. Eridan doubled over, squeezing his midsection. Not here, not now. He didn't have any pills. He didn't have the pills that would stop this. His breaths came out short and fast as he began to hyperventilate, choked sobs escaping him. There was nobody around to help him. He was alone. Eridan was so fucking alone like he always was. Why was he so alone? Why did he have to be alone all the goddamn time? Why did everyone leave him? His parents, Feferi, Karkat, Kanaya, Sollux, why did they all leave him? Nobody cared about Eridan Ampora.

The pattern continued on and off for about an hour before Eridan was able to stand, his legs like jelly, chest feeling as if he had been crushed. He walked slowly, one arm still wrapped around his middle, heading back for home. He needed to be home. He needed to lay down, and pray he wouldn't wake up. Home seemed so far away, but Eridan made it, just barely. His entire body felt as if it were made of lead. He'd forgotten to lock the front door again. Who gives a shit? It was hot as hell, and Eridan turned down his thermostat, walking straight upstairs to his bed. Laying down proved to be futile, and he curled up into a ball, a fresh wave of tears hitting him. He cried until he couldn't cry anymore, heart wrenching sobs escaping him. He cried until he couldn't breathe, and then some.

It was two in the morning when Eridan roused from his fitful sleep, sitting up in bed, welts on his cheek from the folds of his pillow.  
"Can't fuckin'.. live like this anymore.." He muttered. Maybe now was the time to do something about it. If he had the strength to get out of bed. It turned out he did. Eridan crossed over to his desk, sitting down wearily in the chair. His laptop was still on from the night before, in sleep mode. He waited for it to boot up, staring blanky at the screen. He slowly moved to his trollian application, bringing it up in the first time in over a year. Nobody was online, except one person. Heart pounding in his chest, Eridan clicked on their name, watching the dialouge box pop up.

 

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

 

Neither of them said anything for a few moments. Eridan knew that the box was on Sollux's screen as well. Waiting and watching. Eridan moved shaky hands to the keyboard, slowly typing out his message. He hesitantly hit the enter key, feeling bile rise in his throat. 

 

CA: i miss you

 

The minutes ticked away, each one feeling like an eternity. He was about to give up. Eridan curled up in his chair, hugging his knees to his chest. He began to cry again, soft sobs filling the room. A faint 'ding!' broke the pattern, and his head snapped up, eyes navigating to the computer screen. And Eridan Ampora hadn't been this happy in his entire life.

 

TA: ii mii22 you two ed.

 

 


End file.
